30 Days
by Tomo Potter
Summary: Remus is sick of the assumptions. Sirius has a brilliant idea to prank the whole school. But how brilliant is it really, and will their friendship survive? RLSB SLASH
1. The Challenge

A/N: Wow, it has been far, far too long since I was online at all. Recently discovered the supreme joy of taking my laptop into the library, since we don't have the net right now. So, in the meantime, I've watched a LOT of movies. A few months ago, my flatmate and I watched I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry, and oh my god, it was the FUNNIEST THING. So, here is some fanfiction it inspired, to show how happy I am to be BACK!

Right off the bat I would like to say, this fic is not going to last the thirty days indicated by the title. I've already written a good-sized chunk of it, and I'm expecting it to make it to maybe 10 days or so before finishing. It's called 30 Days because that is the original length of time planned by Sirius and Remus, not by me. Sorry to say, I have no intention of writing out 30 chapters worth of this fic.

ALSO. I would like to officially PIMP my Twitter account. I am EXTREMELY active on Twitter, and asides from updates on how my personal life is going (which is a pretty big factor in the quantity and quality of my writing) I post updates on what I'm writing, hints on special upcoming projects, occasional requests for inspiration or ficlet prompts, updates on my music-makin' hobby, information on the HP roleplaying forum I have in the making, regular information on the state of my underwear, and if I decide to do anything new and exciting, I guarantee you'll be the first to know. My username is Tomo(underscore)Potter, and there are several links to my page itself on my profile. I really love Twitter, it's a fantastic way to keep in touch, and can also be a pretty gnarly form of legal stalking at times. (Haha, gnarly.) Basically, Twitter is great, and you can ask me questions and we can chat, which is pretty danged awesome. SELF PLUG OVER.

Warning: Swearing, homosexuality, pretend homosexuality, sexual references, homophobia.

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters or locations that you recognise from the Harry Potter series. They are property of J.K Rowling, and Warner Bros Entertainment, and no copyright infringement is intended. I make no profit from this story. Credit for the inspiration behind the plot goes to whoever the geniuses behind Chuck and Larry are.

**30 Days**

_1 - The Challenge_

_If you were gay_

_That'd be okay_

_I mean, 'cause, hey_

_I'd like you anyway._

_Because you see_

_If it were me_

_I would feel free to say_

_That I was gay_

_But I'm not gay._

_If You Were Gay - Avenue Q_

"Done being in love with yourself, Sirius? We're gonna be late for Charms." Remus sighed, leaning on the wall next to the bathroom door, arms wrapped around his copy of _Advanced Charms For Advanced Students _boredly.

"Almost done!" Sirius hollered back. "I've just got this one hair that won't.... aha!" There was a delighted noise, and a moment later Sirius appeared in the doorway, his chin-length shaggy hair perfectly arranged around his beaming face. "Perfection, no?" Remus merely shook his head in shame, and started walking to Charms. Sirius grabbed his bag off his bed, following his friend. "Hey, Remus, it's not like we're gonna die of lateness. We've got fifteen minutes, that's plenty of time!"

"Next time, I'm not waiting." Remus responded, sighing. "Why do you have to spend a million years fixing your hair every morning anyway? The rest of us don't. Matter of fact, I'm pretty sure no other guy in this school spends that long on his hair. You may as well go move into the girls dorm." Remus sighed, then realised a second later what he had said.

"Oh, I practically live there anyway. Tiffany." He added, with a nod to a short girl, whose skirt, Remus was reasonably sure, was far shorter than the allowed 10 centimeters above the knee.

"Siri-poo!" She beamed back, throwing him a wink. Remus mock-gagged, and Sirius slapped him on the arm.

"What's your problem?" Sirius hissed. "Tiffany's GORGEOUS!"

"Sure, if you go for girls who have already done the _whole school_. I'm pretty sure she's got diseases - that doesn't exactly turn my crank." Remus raised an eyebrow, and Sirius blinked.

"Christ, if Tiffany's got diseases...." He trailed off.

"SIRIUS! You didn't!" Remus said, looking at his friend incredulously.

"Well, just look at her! She's bloody gorgeous!" Sirius said in his own defense, glancing back at the bombshell, who was now talking to her best friend, a slightly worried-looking Jewish girl who Remus had tutored in Arithmancy a few times.

"Yeahhh, that's great. And now look at me." Remus sighed. "Sirius, girls are people too." ("Lies!" Sirius interrupted. Remus ignored him.) "They have feelings, and funnily enough, some of them might not be exactly safe to touch. There's never anything wrong with keeping it in your pants for a change."

"Have you ever even had it _out_ of your pants, Remus?" Sirius asked, raising an eyebrow. "CAN you even get it out of your pants? Maybe it's sewn to the inside of your underpants. How on earth do you piss?"

"Sirius!" Remus interrupted, sighing. "Seriously, you're going to get yourself into trouble if you keep this up. Just... it's okay to take a step back sometimes. You don't have to be Mr. Fucks-a-Lot. It's not gonna... I dunno... make you less of a man or something."

"Less of a man?" Sirius laughed. "I am all man. I couldn't be less of a man if I was a poofter. I don't do it because I wanna look like a manly man. I do it because it's fun, innit? That's all. Just a bit of fun."

"Mmmyeah." Remus said sceptically. "Just make sure your bit of fun doesn't go getting you into serious trouble, mate. I'm worried, that's all."

"Yeah yeah. You sound like James. He's just jealous Lily still isn't giving him anything."

"Or maybe he's worried about you, Sirius. You're sex-mad."

"Not a bad thing to be mad about though, eh?" Sirius winked at him, eyeing the short skirt of a Hufflepuff rushing to her first class.

"Just... shut up. I give up on you." Remus sighed, hugging his charms book tighter.

"You mean you still cared? Oh Moony dearest, I gave up on you a long time ago. You're either gay or a nun, and either way I don't want to know."

"I'm not gay!" Remus squawked, alarmed that Sirius could even THINK something like that. "I'm just not a whore like you!"

"Oh please." Sirius rolled his eyes. "You've never even LOOKED too hard at a girl."

"And you know why!" Remus hissed, suddenly more offended than he thought he was. "They'd start wondering where I bugger off to every month. It's too risky. I can't chance dating anyone, certainly at least not until I'm out of Hogwarts, and can... I dunno, make up excuses or something."

"Well it's not working. I've...." Sirius hesitated. "I've heard people talking, Moony. Saying things... really awful things about you."

"Who? What?" Remus said, feet coming to a halt, a gobsmacked expression on his face. He figured people must think he was a bit weird because he wasn't interested in girls, but he didn't even for a second think of anyone thinking he was gay.

"You know Anderson and Etcoff, those Ravenclaws? They didn't know I was there, I was under the cloak on the way to put dungbombs in the Slytherin Quidditch shower room. You walked past them, and helped Carol pick up her books. She did that whole flirty smile thing she always does when she sees you, and you just smiled back and walked off. They laughed for ages - you didn't hear them, and they had this huge loud conversation about it... I really don't want to repeat any of it, Remus." He said, sadly. "It was bad. That's all I'm saying."

Remus raised and eyebrow, and Sirius sighed. "Alright. Just... one of them said, 'Christ, he's so queer he wouldn't even know what a skirt was unless it was wrapped around his own hips.' That's all I'm repeating. It was really nasty stuff, Moony. You don't wanna know." Seeing the look of disbelief, hurt, and rage on his friend's face, he continued hastily. "But they're morons, Moony. You shouldn't listen to them. Even if you were queer, it wouldn't matter, and it sure as fuck wouldn't be any of their business."

This last remark rang strangely with Remus, and he narrowed his eyes slightly. "Why did you bring this up, Sirius?"

"I just... thought you should know?" Sirius said, surprised to suddenly be the one being attacked.

"No, you didn't. You were curious." The bell rang, the last stragglers in the hallway ducked into classes, and all fell quiet, but neither of them made the slightest move to make it to their lessons in time. "Sirius, do you actually think I'm gay?"

"Of course not, Moony! You're my friend! I wouldn't care if you were, but I don't...."

"Yes you do! For fuck's sakes, you know I'm not! You know me better than anyone Sirius, you were the one who worked out what I am just from the look on my face when you showed me that trashy muggle horror novel. You should know I'm not interested in guys! Christ, I'm not interested in anyone at all! Is that so wrong?"

"No, it's not Moony!" Sirius pleaded. "I know you're not gay! I just... it got to me, hearing those guys talk about you that way. I thought there could be something to their idea, but that's all, I swear. I'm sorry." He sighed.

"No, I'm sorry." Remus rubbed his face. "I'm just antsy. That time of the month. There's nothing wrong with being gay. It's just weird being thought of that way."

"I wouldn't know." Sirius chuckled, relieved to be off the hook. "I'm all about the ladies."

"Who, I repeat, ARE real people."

"I know. And so are we. But the difference is that we ARE real people who are now late for Charms."

"Screw Charms." Remus said, and Sirius's jaw actually dropped open with surprise. "Let's just go for a walk. I'm tired of being the good little boy. Wanna blow off class for once."

"Whoo, look at you acting like me! Next you know you'll be growing this out-" He mussed Remus's short hair affectionately "-and fucking everything in a skirt."

"Yeesh. No thanks for either. Just sick of Charms for the moment." Remus sighed, loosening his tie and adjusting his heavy schoolbag. "And sick of school and sick of life and just... sick of it." Sirius glanced at his friend, alarmed at this side of him that he had never so much as glimpsed before. He looked melancholy, and much, much older than he was. The grey strands proliferating in the werewolf's hair always made him appear older than seventeen, but the weariness on his face made the effect truly frightening. And so Sirius replied the only way he knew how.

"Come on." He clapped his friend on the shoulder, smiling warmly at him. "It's time to shake things up."

Remus looked up at Sirius, a wicked glint forming in his eyes. "A prank?"

"Something much better than just any ordinary prank. A truly spectacular, newsworthy prank. We'd have to fool the whole school, even James and Pete. Something mindblowing."

"You have an idea?" Remus was grinning now, most of those extra years having fallen off, replaced by the 11 year old whose eyes had lit up in terrified delight the first time Sirius took him to plant a dungbomb in Slughorn's office. The return of his friend's usual cheerful demeanor only fueled Sirius' desire to make this prank a memorable one, and possibly teach a few people a lesson, while they were at it.

"Definitely. Just give me... until after tea. Then it'll be perfect."

"You're going to cut your classes and spend all day in the tree, aren't you." The tree was the biggest, shadiest, most climbable tree by the Hogwarts lake. Sirius had called it for the Marauders at the start of Second year, and nobody else, (Except the smallest, stupidest First Years, and some foolhardy Slytherins) had come near it since.

"Yep." Sirius grinned. "Care to join me? Kitchen runs are always better when there's someone else to help out."

"Sounds like a plan." Remus decided, throwing off the worry of classes for once. (And kitchen runs _were_ always better when you weren't alone. More hands.)

They adjusted course, walking in a pensive silence until they reached the tree; Sirius trying to figure out how to make his idea work and, more importantly, how to sell it to Remus, Remus wondering what said idea might be. When they reached the tree Sirius swung easily up to the most comfortable branch, turning to help his shorter friend up. They settled in and Sirius lit up an illicit cigarette, filling the tree with the scent of burnt tobacco. Remus wasn't quite sure where Sirius got hold of his cigarettes, but they always seemed to help him when he was planning, or chasing some bird.

"So, are you even going to give me a hint? Because I haven't got a lot to go on yet." He asked, coughing slightly as a cloud of the smoke was blown in his direction by an errant wind. Sirius shook his head enigmatically.

"No. I need to have it all figured out, or you'll say no."

"Sure? I'm in a pretty rebellious mood today. Do you want to start another fire or something?" Remus enquired, his learned mind getting more curious by the second.

"No fires. Not after Dumbledore set fire to my robe at dinner as punishment. That man is an old fox." Sirius sighed, chuckling slightly at the memory.

They lapsed into a comfortable, thoughtful silence which lasted about two hours, during which time Sirius smoked two cigarettes and worked out the basis of his plan, and Remus considered, then discarded a baker's dozen ideas of what Sirius could be planning. All were either too silly, or just plain not Sirius-ish enough. Sirius may be reckless and not care about people's feelings enough, but nobody could plan like he could. Even James paled when Sirius had a really good idea, but tree ideas always blew the whole lot of them away. Remus wondered what could be so monumentously huge that not even James or Peter could be involved. He had just discarded the idea of the two of them pretending to be dogs that haunted the school (too stupid) when Sirius flicked his cigarette butt into the lake and sat up.

"Food run." He announced, hopping down from the branch and reaching up to give Remus a hand. He never had been too good at the whole 'tree' thing.

"Already?" Remus asked, taking the proffered hand and stumbling ungracefully down the trunk.

"Skipped breakfast." Sirius said, and Remus nodded silently. Sirius was never particularly talkative when he was thinking, and didn't tend to appreciate conversation unless it contributed to his idea. They walked in the direction of the kitchens in silence, Sirius occasionally glancing at Remus as though the mere sight of him would help with planning. Eventually Remus could take it no more, and asked.

"Why do you keep looking at me?"

"Just..." Sirius hesitated. "Wondering if this is a good idea. For either of us."

"Sirius, it's not like you to develop a conscience. That's supposed to be my job. Tell me the idea. I'll let you know if it's a good one or not."

Sirius simply shook his head, and they passed the whole rest of the day pretty much in utter silence, until they joined an understandably curious Peter and James at dinner. Sirius simply explained it away as a Hogsmeade dash, and they accepted it, making the usual dumb jokes and laughing like normal all through the meal. Sirius was even more enthusiastic about the usual teatime jokes than usual, being the only one at the table who knew that this may be their last normal tea as friends for some time.

000

"Moony? Budge over will you, it's freezing out here." Sirius whispered that night, after James and Peter were well and truly asleep. Remus, who had been in a similar state, responded with an eloquent; "Glrmpgh."

"Yes, yes, glrmpgh and all that. Shuffle!" Sirius hissed, pushing Remus aside and sliding into bed next to him. It was not the first time he had slipped into Remus' bed in the middle of the night; back when he had still lived with his family, and for some time afterward, Sirius had been plagued by horrible nightmares, and Remus graciously listened to him gibbering in the middle of the night about the switch being after him, then cuddled him and told him he was at school and everything was fine until they slipped back to sleep, warm and safe and young. It had been well over two years since that had last happened though, and Remus had grown accustomed to sleeping through the night on his own.

"What in fuck's name are you doing here, Sirius? It's.... some stupid hour of the morning." Remus grumbled, sitting up.

"Hold on a moment." Sirius cast a quick silencing charm on the bed to keep from waking the others, before he continued. "I came to tell you about my idea. I had to wait until the others were sleeping. Or at least almost asleep. Yeah. Almost asleep might be better."

"Oh, you're going to tell me now?" Remus rubbed his eyes sleepily. "Not when I asked before? When you _said_ you'd tell me?"

"It's better this way. More convincing. Besides, like I told you, the others can't know. Not at all. They have to be tricked like everyone else, it won't be convincing enough if they're involved."

"Great, yeah. That's really, really terrific. Are you ever planning on telling me what they're not to be involved in?"

"The most terrific, superbly magnificent idea I have ever produced. Ever. Our... discussion this morning gave me the idea. You said "It's weird being thought of as gay." And I said "I wouldn't know because I fuck everything in a skirt." and you said "ew", or something along those lines. Whatever the case, I decided I _should _know. And maybe we could teach those uppity homophobes a thing or two about respect."

"Sirius..." Remus said warningly, but Sirius ploughed on nevertheless.

"We are going to pretend to be a couple for exactly one month." Sirius beamed, spreading his arms as if they were fireworks. "For thirty days, we'll be a couple in the public eye. If nothing else, it'll be a laugh when we say "Just kidding!" and we can rub it in everyone's faces what tossers they can be."

"You... are completely barmy." Remus shook his head. "Sirius, there is NO WAY we can do this! Quite asides from ruining our reputations forever, pretending to be a couple means doing all sorts of gay stuff. We'd probably have to snog to convince people."

"I know." Sirius grinned. "I've been considering it all day. I reckon it'd be worth it, for the looks on their faces when we reveal it alone."

Remus paused to consider this. "Maybe. But it's still completely barmy."

"So are all of my ideas, and they ususally turn out magnificently." Sirius beamed, and Remus sighed.

"I must be bonkers."

"You're considering it?" Sirius beamed.

"Maybe. I'll see how I feel in the morning. Right now I'm at least marginally sure I'm dreaming you."

"Fair enough." Sirius grinned. "D'you mind if I sleep here tonight? I nearly froze my tits off just nipping over here, and it'd probably be a whole lot more convincing if we woke up in the same bed, eh?"

"True." Remus acknowledged, already settling himself back down, eyes drifting shut. He shuffled over, letting Sirius snuggle down next to him, and the two slept warmly, and, truth be told, a lot more soundly than they had in a long time.


	2. The First Day

A/N: I'M BACK. There'll probably be longer gaps between uploads in future; I'm only halfway through chapter 4 atm. There is a little bit of actual slash in this chapter, both as far as emotions go, and physically. ALL IN THE NAME OF FAN SERVICE :D

I was really nervous about posting this story, since it's been so long since I seriously dedicated myself to writing anything at all, and I was worried I'd been forgotten entirely. I saw a good few familiar faces in last chapter's reviews and favs though, which brings a huge smile to my face. Thank you so much for sticking with me through what's definitely been the most horrible year of my life. You have no idea how much this story getting a good reception means to me. I love you all.

Warning: Swearing, sexual references, faux-homosexuality, lots of homophobia and alarmed expressions.

Disclaimer: I still don't own it. -sad face-

**30 Days**

_2 - The First Day_

_We kill the lights and put on a show_

_It's all a lie, but you'd never know_

_This star will shine, and then it will fall_

_And you will forget it all._

_Kill The Lights - The Birthday Massacre_

"Sirius?"

"Yes, Moony?"

"Your hand is on my arse."

"Oh." Sirius removed it.

"So last night really happened?" Remus asked, sitting up and stretching, tawny hair sticking up in all different directions.

"Sure did. Are you keen?" Sirius said, sitting up too and running his hand through his long black curls.

"I...." Remus paused to think. The words of the Ravenclaw boys came back to him and he frowned. "Sure. Why not. Teach those fuckers a lesson."

"You're in?" Sirius grinned, and Remus nodded. "Oh, Moony!" He cried, throwing his arms around his friend for sheer joy and toppling the two of them out of the bed and onto the floor, by the mildly confused feet of James Potter.

"Ah, morning James." Sirius said sheepishly, easily tacking a slightly frightened look onto his face. "How's it going?"

"Alright." Said James warily, taking a step back to allow a genuinely mortified Remus to detangle himself from Sirius' limbs. "Why were you in Remus' bed? I didn't hear you get up."

"Ah. Well. That's because I didn't." Sirius said as he stood, eyes flicking to Remus's face. He looked nervous, but didn't look like he wanted to back out.

"It's okay Sirius." He said quietly, as their eyes locked, and Sirius gained heart. He was going along with it! "We agreed it was time to start telling people." He reached out hesitantly and touched Sirius' hand for a second, and the animagus grinned.

"Right. I've clearly missed something big." James said, eyeing his two friends worriedly. "You're not getting married, are you?"

"Not exactly..." Sirius said, and Remus chuckled at the irony. "But... well... we are a couple." He blurted it quietly to his knees, in an entirely unSiriusish gesture.

"You what?" James said, not getting it in the slightest.

"We're together." Remus said in a strong, but shaking voice, sliding over to Sirius and wrapping a hand around his knee, which seemed like the most innocuously romantic place to touch him, though he wasn't really sure. "In a dating way."

"My ears must not be working." James said, practically falling backwards to sit on his bed. "Because you're making absoulutely no sense."

"James..." Sirius said softly. "We don't expect you to understand right away, we just... felt you should be the first to know. We've been a couple for two months now. We felt it was time to come out."

"Has it been two months?" Remus raised an eyebrow at Sirius, who grinned sheepishly.

"Two and a week." He smiled, and added; "Though, it feels like I've loved you forever."

"I need a very strong drink." James announced, dazed. "This isn't real."

"James..." Sirius said concernedly, looking his friend in the eye. "I'm sorry. I know it's hard to find out - I just about exploded when I figured out how I felt. We don't expect you to be okay with it right away, we just decided it was time to go public, and we wanted you to know first."

"I think I should be more surprised than I am." James said, after a brief, thoughtful silence.

"What do you mean?" Remus asked, hand still feeling odd on Sirius's knee. Sirius covered it with his own hand, and stroked the back lightly with his thumb, as though this were the kind of thing he did every day.

"Well, you two have always been close as hell. I suppose, if it was gonna be anyone I knew, it'd be you two." James said, the shock slowly seeping from his voice. "Jesus, but you're serious?"

"I... Yeah." Remus said, momentarily shaken by the thought that James had considered this possibility before.

"This is fucked up."

"You don't know the half of it." Sirius grinned, slipping his other hand under Remus', so that it was cupped by both of his rough palms, and tracing his hand idly with his fingers as if it were the most normal thing in the world.

"Right. Okay. I'm fine with this. Just don't go shagging next to me while I'm trying to sleep." James said, rubbing his face, then paused and glanced at Sirius, who was looking distinctly uncomfortable. "You haven't."

"Well-" Sirius started, but was interrupted by a loud noise of disgust from James.

"NEVER SLEEPING AGAIN." He yelled, springing up from his seat and heading for the bathroom, where Peter was brushing his teeth, oblivious to the big news he had just missed.

"Sirius!" Remus hissed quietly, snatching his hand back as soon as the door had slammed shut. "So now we've had sex?"

"Look, James knows me." Sirius whisper-sighed. "He knows what I'm like. You've never been around when I'm chatting up a bird, he wouldn't believe me if I said we hadn't had sex. Besides, we're two young males in close quarters, who've been very close for a long time. These things happen."

"Yeah, but you didn't have to admit it!" Remus hissed back.

"I didn't!" Sirius forgot to whisper, but it was covered by the bathroom door opening, and Remus, in a desperate coverup, flinging his arms around Sirius' waist and resting his head lightly on his friend's shoulder. Peter peeped out the door, James next to them.

"So it's true?" Peter asked quietly. Sirius nodded.

"Yeah. We're together." Remus smiled.

"About time." Peter rolled his eyes, heading over to his bed.

"About what?" Sirius asked, snaking an arm around Remus's waist and adjusting how they were sitting slightly, to make it more comfortable.

Peter snorted. "Come on. You two have been pining after each other since second year. Just because the rest of you are too daft to notice things doesn't mean nobody's paying attention." He said, to the blank, astonished looks on his friends faces.

"You knew that long ago?" James asked, blindsided by this whole morning.

"Well. I had my hunches. By sixth year and that whole thing with Snape, I was completely sure. The way you just forgave Sirius... Honestly, I thought you had figured it out by then."

Sirius shook his head. "I only realised about three months ago. I tried to deny it to myself, but it was no good. We got together just after that night we turned all the Slytherin ties purple and pink."

"I knew back then." Remus cut in. "I just never said anything. I know the way people talk about me. I don't like drawing more attention to myself."

"You knew that long ago?" Sirius asked, and Remus nodded. "Boy. I feel slow." Remus laughed softly and, in a moment of daring, placed the smallest of pecks on his jawbone. Sirius grinned, glad Remus had warmed to the idea so fast.

"I figured it out when realised I just couldn't be mad about the whole Snape thing. I tried to be pissed at how badly you screwed up, but I just couldn't." This was true. "I realised that it could only be because I love you." This was not. Not in a romantic sense, anyway.

"Yick. As touching as this is, I'm going to have breakfast. You two can... canoodle or whatever it is you do in private."

Peter nodded in agreement. "Saturday breakfast is always the best though, don't be long."

"We won't." Sirius said decisively. "We're coming public today, we just wanted you guys to know first."

"Thanks for telling me." James sighed, before he shut the door. "Sorry if I'm weird, it's just.... a lot."

Remus nodded. "It's fine." He smiled, and the door shut with a click.

"Well, that went better than I expected." Sirius grinned, as they returned their arms to their own posession.

"Better?" Remus raised an eyebrow.

"Well, you know what James is like. I believe 'quick to anger' is the phrase." Sirius sighed.

"Peter was weird though." Remus sighed, standing up and heading for his clothes.

"Peter was really fucking weird. Sometimes it creeps me out how much he perceives about people." Sirius agreed, walking over to his own bed and stretching.

"Yeah." Remus took off his nightshirt, finding a clean brown jumper and blue shirt which he slid into carelessly. "He sees things most people don't."

"He took it a lot better than James though. No swearing or screaming from either of them. No suspicion. And convincing them we're genuine was the hardest part, because they know us best." Sirius changed quickly into a leather jacket, white t-shirt, and tight jeans that flared fashionably at the bottoms. "The rest of the school will be cake at this rate."

"I suppose." Remus sighed, doing up the fly of his khakis and slipping on socks. "What're we going to do though, make a public announcement?"

"If we have to." Sirius shrugged, zipping up black boots. "I figured we'd just hold hands and snuggle all through breakfast, let people come to their own conclusions. We might end up having to snog though."

"Eep." Remus's face coloured, and he sat down on his bed to lace up his school shoes.

"What?" Sirius looked over at him. "It's just kissing. Nothing ne-oh. You've never kissed anyone, have you?"

Remus rubbed his burning face, and glared at Sirius. "Not as though I do a lot of dating. I haven't had the chance."

"Seriously? Even with Carol throwing herself at you?" Sirius looked gobsmacked, as though the mere thought of getting to 17 without ever being snogged was the worst hell he could imagine.

"Seriously. I don't mind, I figured we'd probably have to eventually. It's just... daunting." He admitted, flopping backward onto his bed.

"Fair enough." Sirius nodded. "My first kiss I was so nervous I almost missed the bird's mouth. It's not too bad though, and it gets less weird after the first time."

"So... what do we do if we do end up having to snog? I mean, we have to act like we do this every day."

"We could practice?" Sirius suggested lightheartedly, fixing his hair in the mirror, and Remus glared at him.

"Seriously. Do we just... go for it and hope for the best?"

"Seriously. We could practice. Actors do, when they have kissing scenes in movies and stuff." Sirius turned to look at Remus, one eyebrow raised.

Remus didn't know what to say to that, so he didn't say anything. Sirius, sensing his turmoil, put down the mirror and went to sit by his friend. "Look, Remus... if this is too much, we don't have to. We can call the prank off any time you want. It's a pretty stupid idea anyway."

"No." Remus said firmly. "It's fine. I'm not gonna chicken out. It's just..."

"Weird?" Sirius offered.

"Extremely." Remus grinned, and the tension that had wormed it's way into their easy friendship since the previous morning evaporated, and they were grinning like nothing had changed. Sirius put his hand on Remus's cheek, stroking the stubbly skin there with the pad of his thumb. Remus swallowed nervously, and slowly, their lips met.

It was nervous, slightly shaky, and certainly not the nicest of kisses, due to one participant's inexperience, and the hesitance of both to take things any further. They simply held their lips together for a few seconds, before parting, laughing nervously.

"See? No big deal." Sirius laughed, voice shaking slightly.

"Yeah." Remus said hoarsely, wiping his mouth.

"'Course it'd have to be a bit... more, if we had an audience. Y'know. But I think that's the essentials covered." Sirius grinned. "So. Our public awaits."

"Sure does." Remus sighed, heaving himself to his feet, and following Sirius out of their dorm. Halfway down the stairs, Sirius reached out and laced their fingers together.

"This is it." He beamed. "Time to show those arseholes."

"Yeah." Remus smiled back, but what exactly they were supposed to be showing them seemed to be becoming less and less clear.

They descended the rest of the stairs together in tense silence, not pausing when they reached the common room. Sirius inhaled deeply, but they kept moving, crossing the common room firmly. The few morning occupants had fallen completely silent when they realised what they were seeing, and it was hard to ignore such a stunned, judgmental silence. They escaped quickly though, and stopped just outside the Fat Lady, Remus dropping Sirius' hand.

"I can't do this. I changed my mind. God, this is so stupid." He said, head in his hands. Sirius realised what Remus did not; that the Fat Lady was listening intently, and if she overheard or oversaw, the news would be all over the castle so fast they wouldn't even have to do a thing. The trick was making sure Remus didn't mention WHAT it was he couldn't do.

"Just relax." Sirius rubbed Remus' arms gently. "Once today is over, things will get easier. It's just telling people that's going to be really tough."

"But - shit, your brother! Regulus is down there. What if your family come after you?" Sirius had thought of this. Remus, clearly, had not until now.

"Then they come after me. There's nothing more they can do, I've been disowned. The only thing of theirs I've still got is the stupid name."

"But... I remember how bad it was when you were younger. I don't want to make things worse for you over some stupid little scheme."

"Hey." Sirius said softly, pulling Remus gently closer and leaning down to press their foreheads and the tips of their noses together. "It's going to be okay. We can deal with whatever happens together. We started this, we're going to finish it. The Marauder Way."

"The Marauder Way." Remus agreed, smiling, and Sirius decided on a whim to finish what he had started upstairs. If they were going to end up kissing downstairs, they would have to know they were actually able to go through with it. Shutting his eyes, he lowered his lips the few centimeters to Remus', kissing him properly this time. Remus yelped slightly in surprise, then went along with it, kissing back surprisingly well for someone with no experience whatsoever. Sirius slid his arms around Remus's waist, heart thumping with the strangeness of it all. Remus draped his arms around Sirius's neck, since that seemed to be what he was supposed to do with them, feeling the exact same strange way. They parted after a minute, both panting slightly with lack of oxygen.

"Right." Sirius said raggedly, then grinned. "Now we're ready for anything."

"Yeah..." Remus smiled back timidly, and took Sirius' hand. As they walked past, both slightly out of breath, Sirius winked at the Fat Lady, who was already bustling off to visit her friend Violet, at which point the two would undoubtedly make the best effort they could to inform every single painting and person in the school that Sirius Black and Remus Lupin were an item. The word that Sirius didn't predict they would add onto the end of their report was 'Finally.'

000

By the time Sirius and Remus had reached the Great Hall, there were already a few curious faces awaiting their arrival, and even the Headmaster seemed to be twinkling more than usual. Hands still tightly linked, they took their usual seats opposite James and Peter, and started to eat, ignoring the curious gazes that dogged their every movement. As the hall filled, the uncomfortable, whisper-filled silence grew, until if Remus shrank down any further he would actually be under the table, and Sirius looked so annoyed he might actually explode.

"Oh, for fuck's sakes." He snapped, when it had reached a point of plain ridiculousness. "Yes, we're together. Stop fucking staring!" He grabbed Remus around the shoulders and pulled their faces together, kissing him firmly for a mere couple of seconds before they parted, so Sirius could glare daringly at the whole school, and Remus could wish he would just melt into the chair.

And then, a clap.

It started with Dumbledore, that was no doubt. The old man beamed brightly at the two boys, eyes sparkling in delight. Peter picked it up next, followed shortly by James, and to James' delight, Lily. After that, it spread to most of the rest of the school, with the exception of the worst of the homophobes, and most of the Slytherin table. Regulus Black threw his cutlery down in disgust and stormed out of the hall to write a letter, but nobody paid him much attention. Sirius beamed, content now that the oppressive silence was gone, and bowed to his crowd. Remus actually slithered all the way under the table, and refused to come out until the clapping had been replaced by the regular hum of morning conversation.

"Well, that went really well." Sirius beamed.

"Almost too well." Remus observed, and Sirius eyed him. "Just worried over nothing." He added, glancing at James and Peter.

"So all's back to usual." James grinned, and Remus flicked a blueberry at him.

"No it's not. Everything's completely different." He pointed out, glancing at Sirius.

"That too." Peter agreed, between mouthfuls. Nobody paid him much attention.

"It's better." Sirius smiled, cuddling Remus gently, and pressing a gentle peck to the top of his head. "God, I've wanted to do that here for so long."

"Nothing compared to how long I spent wanting you to do it at all." Remus smiled sickeningly, winking so that only Sirius could see. On a scrap of parchment, he scribbled _'This is getting nauseating.'_

_'I agree.'_ Sirius scribbled back, and they separated for the rest of the meal, much to James's relief.

000

That evening, James and Peter sat in the Common Room, playing chess, and discussing the pros and cons of Nose-Biting Teacups versus Fanged Frizbees disguised as plates. Lily Evans was also in the Common Room, writing her Charms essay from the previous day, and thoroughly ignoring James Potter. Sirius Black was taking a long walk in the grounds following an afternoon spent with his 'boyfriend', discussing the finer details of their relationship, from anniversaries, to deciding how long ago they first 'had sex', just in case they were ever asked. It had been an exhausting, and sometimes incredibly embarrassing conversation, and Sirius had taken off straight after dinner, just to try and blank it from his mind. Still, they were sorted now, and if anyone asked them anything about their relationship, both of them would be prepared to face any questions thrown at them.

Remus Lupin, following the same uncomfortable, and in his case completely unfamiliar, conversation, had retreated to the safety of the tree, wind flicking through his hair and tossing it in his eyes, while he contemplated just how strange and confusing his life had become in less than 24 hours. He had gone from Remus Lupin; bookworm and avid avoider-of-any-kind-of-social-situation-whatsoever, to Remus Lupin; Hogwarts Queer. He'd had his first kiss, shortly followed by his first GOOD kiss.

And that was where his train of thought stopped to pick up a few passengers, and somehow got sidetracked. (How a train could head in the wrong direction was quite the mystery to Remus, but he had far more pressing matters to consider anyway.) Whenever he thought of that kiss with Sirius, alone in the hallway, his lips tingled and his heart felt like it was about two sizes too large for his chest. He ran his fingers over his mouth for the umpteenth time that day. It had just been practice, sure, and without it there was no way they would have been able to sell the 'couple' thing legitimately to the rest of the school (Sirius had explained about the Fat Lady after breakfast, while James was in the lav, and Peter was telling some Hufflepuff fourth years proudly about how he 'knew it all along'.) but it still felt... strange to him. Probably just because Sirius was certainly an experienced kisser. Must be it - there was no other explanation. Remus didn't find Sirius personally attractive at all - he knew his friend was good looking, it was all some of the girls of Hogwarts talked about, not to mention Sirius himself. He just didn't appeal to Remus, personally. And the smoking thing was sort of gross - their kiss, while certainly enjoyable, had tasted of tar and smoke, which certainly didn't make for a flavoursome experience. He didn't know what girls saw in it, frankly.

"Alright, Moony?" A jovial voice interrupted his thoughts, and Remus looked down to see Sirius preparing to do his usual nimble leap into the tree, which he managed every time with a casual elegance Remus thought was just downright unfair.

"Yeah. Just had this fucking strange day." He sighed, rubbing his face.

"Me too." Sirius grinned. "I seem to have found myself with a boyfriend overnight, and it's all my own doing." He settled himself into his usual groove in the comfiest branch, and lit up a cigarette.

"You know those things make your mouth taste like a road on fire, right?" Remus remarked, and Sirius shrugged.

"I look damn sexy smoking them though, right?"

"Not when I know how they taste. No idea why anyone goes for that sort of thing." Remus sighed, pushing his fringe out of his face. It was starting to get too long and annoy him - he'd have to cut it soon.

"'Cause smoking is sexy and dangerous? Besides, I can just pop some gum if we've gotta snog again. No big deal." Sirius shrugged, taking another drag on his cigarette as though to accentuate his viewpoint.

"I suppose." Remus sighed, resting back on the trunk of the tree. "This is possibly the most bizarre day of my life. Finally had my first kiss, and it was with my male best friend, who I'm now dating as part of a prank."

"Try not to think in facts so much, Moony. Bad for the brain." Sirius grinned, flicking his long hair back.

"Ah, right. I knew I was doing something wrong. Must be why I keep getting O-s, I haven't adopted your clever method of not bothering to work on my essays."

"It's a sly trick that usually only works when attempted by professionals." Sirius beamed, taking a final drag on his cigarette and flicking it into the lake.

"I'll keep it in mind." Remus nodded sagely, then sighed. "Thirty days, huh?"

"Thirty days." Sirius agreed. "That'll be enough that we really pull the rug from everyone's feet when we tell 'em we were pretending."

"Thirty days." Remus repeated. "Well," he added, glancing at the setting sun. "Twenty nine now."

"One down." Sirius nodded. "And that was likely to be the worst. It's convincing people that's the hard part; as a general rule, once they're convinced they stay convinced."

"But sometimes once they're convinced they get angry." Remus pointed out.

"Sometimes." Sirius acknowledged. "But people are lazy creatures of habit. We'll start to fade into the wallpaper, just before we make our big announcement."

"I hope so." Remus sighed, sitting up and swinging his legs so he could tumble to the ground. "I'm tired - we should head upstairs and face the Common Room before someone snaps at us for being outdoors so late."

"Fair enough." Sirius grinned, leaping lightly to the ground and helping Remus with his descent. As they walked up to the castle they both called home, Sirius entwined their fingers once again, rough palms pressed together tightly.

000

"There you are! Where they hell have you two been?" James asked, when Remus and Sirius reached the common room. Then, at the sight of their clasped hands, he abruptly changed tack. "No, forget it. I don't want to know." He grinned, and shuffled over to make room for the two of them to sit next to him, which they did gratefully. The second they entered the common room, the eyes of the whole of Gryffindor House were upon them, and everything had gone alarmingly quiet, except for the pop of the fireplace.

"Boy, if anyone stared at us like a moron, or came over and started asking dumb questions and dropping stupid remarks, that'd be pretty annoying, huh?" Peter said flatly, following it up by popping a potato chip from the bag in his lap into his mouth, eyes never leaving the chessboard for a second. Slowly, after everybody shuffled in their seats a bit, and looked around uncomfortably, an embarrassed hum of conversation filled the common room.

"Thanks, Peter." Remus said gratefully, relaxing slightly and expelling a lot of the tension he had been carrying around with him all day.

"For what?" Peter asked in the same flat tone, eyes still fixed on the board. "People have no right to be twats."

"Amen." Sirius grinned, cracking open an illicit butterbeer and taking a swig. "Some Hufflepuff this morning asked me who's the woman. It's none of her sodding business!"

Peter snickered at the word sodding, and James seemed to light up. "So, who _is_ the woman?" He asked, grinning devilishly. After all the shit Sirius had given him for years over Lily, it seemed the time had finally come for a little payback.

Remus went bright red, and curled up into an embarrassed ball of Britishness, while Sirius simply shrugged, and replied; "Depends on who feels like it. Didn't think you'd be interested, Jamie m'boy." He beamed. "Oh, the stories I could tell!"

"No thanks." James had lost the twinkle, and now looked slightly green; an unripe tomato to match Remus' full beetroot look.

"Nobody will be telling anybody _any_ stories." Remus said firmly, hugging his knees.

"Gotta say, I'm surprised Remus went that far." Peter spoke up, still considering the chess board. It was a difficult match, and the distraction wasn't helping his concentration one bit. "Always thought he was more the classy, wait-until-marriage sort. Suppose everyone's got their hidden sides though."

Remus said nothing, James looked faintly alarmed, and Sirius was unable to help bursting out in loud laughter. Peter rarely spoke up in the rabble of Marauder conversation, but whenever he did, his contributions were always witty, and observant, though the others didn't often pay a lot of attention.

"That is something I really do not want to think about." James shook his head, as Peter finally shifted a Bishop, then turned his attention to the unfolding battlefield of chess.

"Oh, you know you do, Prongsie!" Sirius said delightedly, giving his friend a teasing jab to the ribs. "You're welcome to join us, if the mood ever strikes you. The password is 'Banana'."

"You are the most disturbing person I have ever met." James groaned, and Remus nodded in agreement.

"Ah, but you both love me." Sirius said cheerfully, squeezing Remus' hand.

"Some more than others." Peter pointed out, around a mouthful of Sour Cream And Chives goodness.

"Though that merely proves that they're total nutters." Remus agreed, smiling at Sirius.

"Completely and utterly." Sirius nodded, leaning in and kissing Remus again, a soft, tender kiss that lasted mere seconds.

"Awwww." Lily Evans smiled, walking over from her table to join them. "I wondered why you've seemed so preoccupied lately, Remus. Much as I... am not keen on Black, I must say you two seem like a terrific match. Who knows, you might be able to calm him down a bit." She smiled, plopping onto the sofa opposite them, next to Peter, who was once again intently focused on the chess board, following James' Knight having taken his newly moved Bishop.

"I'm hoping to." Remus smiled embarrassedly. Even Lily thought they were a perfect match? Had everyone been thinking about this for ages but them?

"And I'm hoping to drag him down to my level. Or maybe one a bit higher. Him acting as my conscience is one of my favorite things about Remus." Sirius smiled adoringly. Remus found himself wondering when exactly the two of them had gotten so good at acting.

"There will be no downward dragging, Sirius." He smiled, and Sirius ruffled his hair.

"You keep thinking that, luv. You just keep thinking that." He said in a slightly condescending tone, pressing a peck to Remus' cheek.

"And I was wrong." Lily sighed, standing up again. "You're all doomed."

000

"There, teeth thoroughly brushed. No more kissing stinky cigarette-mouth." Sirius smiled, emerging from the bathroom in his pyjamas, baring his shining teeth for all to see.

"Thank god." Remus sighed. "I've told you a million times. Breath mints will help avoid the uncomfortable situation of me vomiting all over you." He slipped under the covers of his bed, grabbing the book from his nightstand. James was sitting in his own bed, removing his glasses, and Peter had already drawn his curtains. Sirius ignored his own bed entirely, heading straight for Remus'.

"Sirius, what?" Remus asked, as Sirius shuffled in next to him.

"They know now. I don't have to sneak over in the middle of the night." Sirius reminded, winking slyly at Remus, who sighed.

"Am I going to get to read at all from now on?"

"Moony, Moony, Moony." Sirius shook his head. "What do you think the answer is?"

Remus sighed, returning his book to the nightstand, and smiled at James, who looked slightly disturbed.

"Night, Prongsie!" Sirius said cheerfully, leaning over Remus to close the curtains. Once they were shut, he cast a silencing charm.

"So they can think whatever they like." He said, to Remus' quizzical look, and Remus hit him on the arm.

"Night Moony!" Sirius ploughed on cheerfully, and snuggled down to sleep.

"Night, Padfoot." Remus lay down too, shutting his eyes and trying to drift off.

_'One down, twenty nine to go.'_ He kept repeating to himself in his head. _'One down, twenty nine to go.'_


End file.
